A Thankful Heart

Lately I have been focusing on the wrong things. Sure there has been a lot of negativity with me but I have allowed them to consume my thoughts. My focus has been on these negatives and it has really hurt me and others in the long run. So I am not going to mention or dwell on the negatives but will push them to the back, not forget them, but I will not allow them to take over my thoughts.

So what do I need to do to have a thankful heart? I am going to start with ten things that I am grateful for.

1. God is, and always will be, here for me.
2. I have friends that truly care about my well being.
3. The future has many bright spots in it that are there for the taking.
4. I have three children and two grand children.
5. (This is hard to stay positive about but) I have my health, meaning I am still functioning.
6. Learning from my past and but not dwelling on the failures will make me better in the future.
7. Over all I try to remain positive towards all areas of my life.
8. I have friends that I care about and want the best for them.
9. I am able to help others.
10. God has given me the ability to think and reason.

So to have a thankful heart I need to concentrate on the things I am thankful and grateful for. There are many good and valuable blessings and concentrating on them will make for a positive outcome. I believe that when you need something from others (not materialistic) don't ask for it, give it, it will return back to you.

I know there are those that are saying.. God says that we are to ask of Him.... and I agree with that also. What I am talking about though has to do with relationships with people and expectations. Keeping my mind concentrating on what is positive so that when the time comes for me to ask of God I can do it with the right motivation.

I will close with this. Gratitude is so powerful. Gratitude puts you in a positive frame of reference within which many more positive things can happen. Begin, end, and live each day with a sincerely thankful heart. As each day passes, you will have more and more to to be thankful for. The credit for this last statement goes to Ralph Marston, author of The Daily Motivator.

Why God has to be our example.

I have really struggled with this. I have been told that I am a thinker, and from the way this is going I am in total agreement. So this is really going to be simple. Every man, from the day he was created to now, has failed someone in one way or another. Look at history and as we all know history does not lie. Adam ate of the fruit, Abraham lied concerning his wife, Moses struck the rock in anger, David had an affair then had the lovers husband put in the most dangerous part of the war to be killed.

When you look through all of history, Biblical to world, everyone has some failure in their life. Except for one, Jesus. But he had His moments. Running off as a child and speaking to the scribes, then tossing the tables at the tabernacle, then when He prayed before His death. I know, these are taught many different ways and, no, Jesus did not fail during these times. He actually passed with flying colors.

So as I said, this is really simple. As the examples we have failed so many times why do we follow them. In hard times they did not meet the standards. Only one person did that, the person of Jesus, who is God in the flesh. So its time to stop looking at others and look up to God. He will not fail us.

A few things that are on my mind.

I really do not know how to talk about what is on my mind. It is not easy to allow your thoughts to be put out for whoever to read. What I want to say and what will actually come out may not be the same either. It is hard to express your thoughts and feelings at times. So I will make mention of a few and let it go at that for now.

Health is the first that jumps out at me. I have always been in pretty good health though I have had lots of problems. Lets look at the surgeries that I have had starting with the earliest I can remember to the latest. Hernia, tonsils, knee, knee again, appendix, back, other knee, gall bladder, and finally another back surgery. Then there are the times I have been ill. When younger I spent a few times in the hospital for various things ranging from a temperature that was above normal to some very minor things as well. I got strep throat a lot that led to the tonsils being removed. For many years I would always get sick around Thanksgiving and would stay sick for about two weeks. This happened every year for over ten years from the age of 16 to 26 when I had my appendix removed the weekend before Thanksgiving. Now I have had this minor stroke, if you can call a stroke minor. I guess so since the only real after effect is the loss of my peripheral vision, though it should improve some if not completely return to normal. It is so strange to feel that overall I have been healthy yet have had so many problems as well.

Next on my mind is Family. Why is it that Family can be such a troubling item? Everyone seems to have different agendas and they are often in conflict. Differences in opinions and ideals seem to conflict and often cause heartaches. What is learned from one parent is not the same as the other. Or different ideas are concluded as seen through different eyes when looking at the same instance. Then when bringing them together the conflicts arise to points that make things so difficult. Priorities are so different. Generations look at things so much differently that you hardly would believe that the people come from the same family. Then there are other families that do not seem to have any problems at all with this.

Lastly, for now, is my life. What has brought me to where I am now and what changes have I made or do I still need to make to get me to the best future I can possibly have? My past has been so chaotic and did not follow the pattern that I thought it would. Why is that? That has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I feel like the prodigal son at times. I know that there was a time I left what I believed in, or the path I was following and went searching. When I was 18 I lost a close motherly figure and it changed me. I turned on my own mother to some extent. I let relationships fall to the wayside. I felt I could do what I wanted and all would be OK. Decisions were not thought out clearly and I made choices that made my life very difficult. It has been thirty years since then and maybe now I am returning back to what I left behind. What do I mean by that? Good question, but I want to think that I am being allowed to look at what happened to me, and the direction I took, and in some way correct it. This is hard to really explain but in time should clarify itself to the point I can explain it.

Health, family, life, these are heavy thoughts in any ones mind. Though they are most often at the top of every ones at one time or another. We can not and do not control any of these. Believing in God and knowing that He allows everything to happen for one reason or another is comforting, yet heartbreaking also. Realizing that something good will come of the hard times is hard to comprehend. Why? Good thing Jesus, even though He had His moment of struggle, allowed the hard time of being persecuted and placed on a cross for us to happen so that we could have eternal life. No, I am not preaching, just stating my belief. It gives me a hope to have faith to know that I do have a future that is promising or can be if I get to where I need to be. Am I at the right place and time at this moment? Only time will answer this question but I am going to make sure that I do not close any doors. I am not in control and the only thing I can do is follow the lead of where my Faith and Beliefs take me. I am looking forward to finding out what is ahead and trust my past will enhance this future of mine. This includes the future of my health, my family and my life.

Having a mild Stroke

Thursday October 9, 2008 is a day I hope to remember for some time, though I wish it did not happen. I was at my son Cody’s apartment, resting on the couch, talking with my daughter Karri. Out of nowhere I felt numbness around my mouth, into my tongue, making me to have a thick tongue feeling, and down my left arm. This lasted for 7 to 10 minutes and during the time I continued talking with Karri. Yes, she noticed it and I did too. Then I got a horrible headache around my temple and then in the lower back right area of my head. Next was the tunnel vision that affected the left eye peripheral vision. There was a slight effect to the right but not near as bad as the left. It was like a 5 inch cylinder was in front of my eyes angled to the right instead of straight ahead. Karri suggested that I go to the hospital but I, being very stubborn, did not feel the need to go have it checked out. Karri and I were going to go eat and walk at the park and take pictures. That is what was important to me at that time.

The headache continued that evening and through the night but I did not have any more numbness. Later Friday afternoon Cody and I went to Lowes to pick up some items for a project that he was doing. The peripheral vision was really noticeable while walking around Lowes. About half way through our time there I knew that I needed to go have it checked. So after we checked out I told Cody to lead me to the hospital. Yes, I was driving and no, I should not have been. One of my hesitations to going to the hospital was the location of where we were. The area where Cody lives is in a small town in southeastern Kentucky. Coming from and living in larger metropolitan areas I had problems with the small town hospital. I will not make this mistake again.

At the hospital I talked to the triage nurse and from there I waited a short time in the waiting room. From the waiting room they took me to do two things. One was take blood and the other was a CT scan. This was prior to even seeing a doctor, based on what I had told the nurse and her conveying it to the ER doctor. The CT scan was negative and was advised once I was taken into a room. The doctor came in and we talked and pretty much right away, after our discussion, he felt it necessary to have me admitted. He sought out two other doctors that did a preliminary exam that included 12 steps to seeing if I may have had a stroke. Yes, by this time I am a bit worried. After the exam they were in agreement that I should be admitted and set up for more tests the next morning. I think that this was pretty impressive for the ER. The next morning, after being admitted I was taken for an MRI and a sonogram of my carotid arteries. I was seen by several doctors and also a neurologist. They were all in agreement that I had a stroke but were still waiting on confirmation from the MRI. The bedside manner of each and every one of the doctors was excellent. I had my moments of panic and distress. What was nice was they were very reassuring. The stroke had not been bad, meaning it could have been worse. I came to the hospital soon after, but no not as fast as I should have, and I recovered quickly afterwards. The good thing is that I will be able to hopefully do the right things and prevent it from occurring again. Yes, the MRI confirmed the stroke. I have a slight blockage in the lower right back side of my brain. We believe that part of it broke off and then stopped the blood flow causing the stroke. This is still to be determined by continued testing. We are waiting on results of a few tests already plus follow up care will be a necessity.

I have stated all this to come up with this conclusion. Number one is that if something happens to you physically and you have no answer to what happened, don’t hesitate to go to the hospital, no matter what hospital that is. Next I would have to say do not take anything for granted. The time you have with your family or friends could be the last time you ever spend with them. I am only 47 and this could have been much more serious than it was, I WAS LUCKY, and this was even said by the doctors. Finally, I can say it was a wake up call, or God saying, “Hey, I am still in charge here”, but what ever it may be, take every moment you have and live it accordingly. You are not the one in control. I feel that this is a life altering experience for me. What is going to happen next, I do not know. I feel there are things I need to make better and improve upon. Plus I want to remain more open for what may come my way. Just settling is not going to be enough, I want to make sure of each and every decision that I make from now on. After all that decision that I make could be the very last one I ever make. I want it to be said that even though during the early part of my lifetime I had things go, not according to plan, that in the end, I waited and made proper decisions that were best for all those involved.

Relationships

Have you ever had that moment when you started to put your thoughts down on one subject and then it develops into something totally different. That is what is going on in my mind right now. Most of us have had those times when you start thinking about all that is going on in your life and you just can not get them straight. That is where I am at right now. I don't want to bore you with every little detail as they can cover many areas, such as, life in general, finances, family, relationships, and health. These pretty much cover all the things that go through every persons thought processes every day. Yes, I know that I have left out a few but you get the idea.

This started to be one of those, David talks about not being able to process anything but has turned into David talks about relationships.

Relationships is probably at the height of mine right now with me rekindling mine with my kids. Also during the past 2 years I was able to have a special time with my Father right before he passed away. Add to this the Internet and I have been in contact with many people from my past. A few from the church I attended as a youth, some from my High School and others from my College. This has included a few close friends, some that were just acquaintances and even several that are past girl friends.

I think the best place to start this is with my Father. At the time I decided to move to Florida he was 87 years old and had several strokes and heart attacks. He had dementia brought on by the stokes. His wife could not care for him and needed some assistance. I was divorced and had just retired early from work due to my back injury. It was a great time for me to go spend some time with my Dad. This was a very hard time with him as he had his good days and his bad. Watching a loved one deteriorate right in front of you is very hard to do. I was able to stay with him for 15 months and am so glad that I had the opportunity to do so. I will always cherish that time as our relationship was enhanced because of the time we shared together.

Now with my children. Over the past eight years mine has been off and on with them due to a few things that I should have controlled better, but did not. So with me being semi-retired, so to speak, I am attempting to spend as much time with my children as possible. This includes talking on the phone and emails when I can not be with them in person. Eventually my back will heal and I will have to go get a job of some sort but right now taking time to develop better relationships with them is very important to me. The best way to do that is to spend quality time with them sharing the life that they are living now. Being able to drive to where they are has been the best experience by far.

Not only have I been doing this with my father and my children but also with people from my past. I have come across people from my childhood, my church as a youth, my high school, college, including ex girlfriends. How is it possible to develop relationships from the past and put them in with your everyday life now. First of all the Internet has made most, if not all, of this possible.Then you have cell phones and text messages that assist with keeping in touch. Now some of these relationships begin anew and others pick up right from where they left off. Some will even stay distanced as they were when we first new each other. Remembering that we are not the same person were were back then is important with these relationships. It is necessary for you to reintroducing yourself. It is actually a pretty interesting and exciting process.

What I want to say concerning relationships though is this. In order to maintain one first of all you have to have been in one. Relationships travel many paths, some continuing lifetimes, others stopping abruptly, some fading away quietly. The important thing to remember is that all people are different. Staying on the same page is not always possible. Adjustments have to be made to maintain a positive relationship. When you put respect, trust, loyalty, and honesty together when developing relationships you are able to have positive relationships that can continue to grow into a lifetime of achievements. After all, it is not what we have done in our lifetime that makes us, it is the influence we have had on others that will be remembered forever.

Speaking in public to a group or a few, compared to putting it in writing.

Having the chance to speak in public the other day made me realize something. I am not good at it when it is off the cuff. Growing up I was very introverted and very seldom spoke up when talked to unless it was with someone I really knew or was starting to get to know. This makes it hard to speak in pubic situations. I got up at the reunion the other day and attempted to tell about myself but as I spoke I would not finish thoughts. It is not like they did not get what I was trying to get across to them. Most understood but my nervousness showed and afterwards I felt awkward. Not at others reactions, because I received good responses, but at my realizing how I said things. If I have a script I am much better but still I do not like to speak in front of others.

When it comes to talking to a small group, and by small I mean less than five including myself, or a group of elementary school aged children, I believe I do very well. Small groups are a bit more intimate and often talk with you when you are speaking with them. I like this kind of discussion though I do feel somewhat hesitant still talking in even this public domain. I used to speak to my kids class at school or church and this was a very enjoyable time. Of course I was in my Highway Patrol uniform and knew what I was going to say, so it was much easier. Plus I like kids and interacting with them.

Now being able to put my thoughts in writing. Wow! Do I ever like this! I am sure those that have seen me or heard me in public would never guess that I would be able to write about the things I do. Thoughts come to me so easily and I enjoy sharing most of them on my posts. I am not and was never really good in English or Composition and maybe some of you can tell that in my writings, but I have learned on the go and feel that I do not make too many grammatical errors. If you can read it and understand it, then I succeeded.

I have learned from how I am in each of these situations though. It is that I will somehow always try to say something in a group setting, if at all possible. It may take me a bit to get up but I will attempt. Participation is a great way to learn about others and also others are able to learn about you. Put me in a small group and if I like the subject I will join in also. Now place me in front of a computer and have my mind catch hold of something and you never know what to expect. Just hope that most of the time others enjoy what I have to say, or at least that it makes them think.

His 25th year college class reunion.

I just got back from my classes 25th year college reunion. The Friday night dinner for our class was really nice. Having the hesitations that I had at first made me a bit weary but right when I walked in, my roommate, Pete, walked up and gave me a nice greeting. I never thought I would see him again and there he was. I only went to Bryan for 2 years (4 semesters) and Pete and I roomed for 3 of those semesters. I could not have had a better roommate so it was awesome to see him again.

The next day started out slow as we were a bit late getting there but arrived an hour before the soccer game. During that time I saw a very special man that influenced my life at a young age and was the reason I attended Bryan. His name is Dale Linebaugh, and he had a church camp in north eastern Pennsylvania called Miracle Mountain Ranch. I attended that camp from the time I was 8 till 16 years of age and my family became very close to and involved in the camp as I grew. There were summers my mother would go work at the ranch, doing whatever was needed, to even being a cook for several weeks. Dale, after turning the camp over to his son-in-law and daughter, moved to Dayton and was a counselor at Bryan as well as pastor of one of the local churches. My senior year in high school he encouraged me to look into attending Bryan.

All through the day time was spent walking around and seeing different people and renewing old friendships as well as starting some new ones. The evening was capped off with a dinner where we heard from the President of the school, Dr Livesay, seeing the direction the college is moving and where they are wanting it to go. It was a very good weekend and I am very glad to have been able to make it.

Going to his 25th College Class Reunion.

First of all this is a bit more difficult for me as I did not graduate with the Class of 1983 for Bryan College. I was one of those that felt I could survive without that college degree and I allowed myself to let my emotions take charge and ended up getting married after my 2nd year and never returned.

So what is it going to be like? How am I going to be accepted? I went with Cindy, my girlfriend at the time, who was a graduate of Bryan College. This will help because she was a very popular person on campus as I was one that just floated along. Yes, I had my areas of standing out, I am 6'6", ha ha. I played sports, though it was mainly intramural because of a bad knee.

Bryan College is considered a Christian Liberal Arts College, so looking at it from that perspective, I probably will not have any difficulty with being accepted. I have had email conversations with other alumni over the past months and they are very excited about this weekend, including my being there as well. Don't you just hate that feeling of insecurity when you are about to do something like this? Fear is horrible and causes great apprehension, but what I am trying to do is look back at previous experiences, realizing that the apprehension was the worst part of it. Usually once I got to where I was going, and did it, all those fears were unfounded. So I guess I should stop with the theatrics, suck it up, and go have some fun. I am a different person now than I was back then. That is the person they will be seeing now, not the person from 25 years ago. They probably don't recall that I did not graduate with them anyways.

So what is it going to be like? It is going to be nice meeting people again for the first time, as matured adults. How will I be accepted? Who cares!!! Its about seeing what has become of other people and the accomplishments they have made. Allowing them to know and understand the person that I am now. You can not fully understand who and what a person is all about in a weekend, but you can grab hold of a small part of a person or group of people and make an experience out of it. I am going to have fun and enjoy my weekend.

The changing of Family priorities

I started blogging almost two years ago and over this past summer I stopped. A very good friend of mine suggested I start again to keep my mind busy while I am not able to work. Often I am able to come up with ideas that just seem to pop into my head, due mostly to current events, but also from conversations with others. Anyways, I sent out a mass email to the 20 or so contacts in my email address account, (I know, not too many contacts there David), telling them about my blog. I received a reply from a cousin of mine and in it I thought about how out of touch we get with family once we get older.

Do you recall when you were younger and you would go visit your parents family, Grand Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins? You always looked forward to that week or two vacation during the summer or Christmas when you got together and did whatever you did. It was always a fun time for me and I will always remember those times. We would travel from Amarillo, TX to Frederick, OK or to Oklahoma City, OK and visit with all the family that could make it in. Aunts and Uncles would come in from Nebraska or Tennessee, others would come from where ever they were living and you got together and did the family things. I know we all remember those times and often we think back to those times wondering where they went. You often think, why did it stop? What was the change and where are those relationships now. For some people those relationships have continued but are they as strong as they were back then?

My answer to those questions are really pretty simple. We grow up and transfer what we did as a child on to the next generation. Instead of us being the kids, we are now the Aunts and Uncles. This lasts for a while as our parents are now the Grand Parents and the family comes to visit them. Instead of playing and running around, doing the things you did as a child you are now one of the adults. You sit and talk about work, your plans for the future, your hopes for your children. The secret discussions you have with only certain members of the family concerning what we are going to do when this happens or when that happens. This continues until your children start to become young adults. At that time you may go to a wedding here or a wedding there, but you see those early family members less and less, to where you may never see them again. Often times the only way you get together with them is at a funeral.

Finally, you are now at the point when you are the Grand Parent. You look in the mirror and you are not that young kid playing with your cousins. Thankfully I am still young enough to be in the second category, but now that I have grand kids I am slowly moving away from that. With both my parents having passed on there will not be those times when you take the kids to see Grandpa or Grandma. You won't be visiting as much with your brothers or sisters and their kids.


Priorities change with the passing of time. Life moves on whether we are ready for it or not. Take the time to leave a note, email, or phone call to someone in your family from your past. Though they are not a constant in your life they were at one time. Our family is our heritage and once we lose part of our family a small part of us goes with them. Do this not only with family but friends you have had over the years. You never know what it will do for you or for them.

Issues of trust.

Trust is one of the most troubling issues in this day and time. We talk about trusting our politicians, those we work with, neighbors, friends, parents, children, and specifically our spouses or significant others, I understand there are many more that we place trust in or want to, but you understand what I am saying. Instead of talking about the individuals that we do or don't trust, I want to talk about TRUST itself.

What is Trust? This is how the Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines trust:
noun

Etymology: Middle English, probably of Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse traust trust; akin to Old English trēowe faithful true

1a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed

2a: dependence on something future or contingent: hope b: reliance on future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered credit

3a: a property interest held by one person for the benefit of another b: a combination of firms or corporations formed by a legal agreement especially one that reduces or threatens to reduce competition

4: archaic; trustworthiness

5a (1) a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship (2) something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another b: responsible charge or office c: care, custody in the care or possession of a trustee


Sometimes when I read a definition I see blah, blah, blah as I am sure a lot of you do to. So what I want to bring out from the definition are the words in bold print. I see these as very important when it comes to trust.

Lets start with the word True. You have trust in someone who has proven themselves to be true, truthful. They do not lie. What a concept this is!!! To know that someone you look towards is able to tell you the truth with no distortions. I like that.

Next is Hope. Specifically a hope in the future. I may not have this quite the way others do but I see it as a hope that the future will be as it is now along with a belief that it will be even better later. There will be a return for something done now in the future. Credit is in the same line as this in the definition so again, as I see it, based on how we are trusted now we will receive credit, but at the same time be expected to show responsibility and give back for what we have received. Trust does not come without expectations.

Trustworthiness looks simple but is not that easy. "Trust me" says someone. Well, that all depends on how you acted in response to trust before. In the past when you were trusted with a situation did you succeed. Trust successes equals trustworthiness. I like to think that I trust first but if you forsake that trust then you have to earn it back. Earning trust back can be very difficult and in some situations it can never be attained again. I want to believe that I am trustworthy but I know that I have failed at times too. To attain trust again I feel that accepting your fault and not just saying that you will do better, but actually putting forth the effort and showing gains helps us to earn the trust of others again.

Care and Custody are the final words associated with Trust. In a relationship we are trusted with the care and custody of someone or some thing. That is a giant responsibility if we accept it. If you are in a relationship you had better accept it or trust is gone and possibly for good. To know that someone trusts you with their life, health, family, security or finances is an awesome responsibility. To be able to trust someone for your life, health, family, security or finances. Wow!!! No wonder issues of trust are so often talked about.

So lets look at those that want us to trust them. Our politicians, those we work with, neighbors, friends, parents, children, and specifically our spouses or significant others. Are they truthful, and is there a hope in the future due to our trust in them. Have they displayed a trustworthiness about them that we can look forward to and depend on. Next are we able to put our care and custody into their hands. Finally something to really think about. Can others look at you and say "that person is truth and I have a positive hope in the future by trusting them. They have proven how trustworthy they are and I can put the care and custody of myself as well as others in their hands."