Who am I? This is a question we all ask ourselves at one time or another. Then once we think we have figured out who we are we look at our self and ask who is this? That is not who I really am, why can I not be my true self?
This past weekend I was at a boot camp for men. I am not going to tell you that I was overcome with a feeling that moved me and transformed me. But I was able to see some things that happened in my past that formed my attitude and developed me into what I did during my lifetime. I would have to say it is who I became, not who I was or actually wanted to be. I am not going to mention who or what happened in my early years, as that is personal, but I want to talk about the things that I became because of what happened. The important part is what am I doing to become the best that I can be now due to learning from my past.
I know for a long time I would adjust my being into what others expected or wanted from me. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing but when that is all you do, not remaining true to yourself, you end up losing the real you. Things happened early on in my life that caused me to get quiet and not show who or what I was. I would hold things in and keep to myself and I would try to get along rather than express my thoughts. I became competitive and was able to show some of what I was through sports. Later on without having the sports I fell back into the pattern of allowing things to just happen and make sure rifts did not appear. This was not always good because eventually I did have to speak out. When you stay quiet for the longest time, eventually speaking out, showing a different side of you causes others to look at you differently. They look at you and wonder who is this person? Where did that come from? When I did this and got those questions it actually forced me back into my shell. It was easier to conform because I did not have to answer the questions. I was becoming someone that I did not like. I guess what I am trying to say is that I lost who I was and wanted to be. To make up for it I allowed myself to believe that I should be what others were telling me, who and what I should be. I would be the person they needed or wanted or expected and this was not good for me. Losing yourself to be what others want is not what others need either. It does feel good for them in the short term, but not over the long haul.
So what am I doing to be who or what I am? First of all I have learned and am still learning why I became who I was. Knowing why is the first process in figuring out who I really am. Then getting my heart back and adjusting my thoughts and patterns to become who I need to be, not just for myself, but most of all for God. We have a lot to give in life but we need to give our true self if we are to be content. Internal struggles just frustrate us as we move through our life and though it works for a while the pressure builds and we lose control. So finding the causes of our withholding and moving past them to free our self will give us the freedom to be all we can be. Not just to others but to our self.
Finding a desire, something to live for, a goal to reach, and knowing that I can get there is part of my plan to be who I am. Living an adventure, and this is not a big thing for me but I still have to have an adventure. This gives excitement inside me and helps me to let out those inner struggles, pushing me to be free to express myself. Giving myself to others is what I feel is the best part of me. I need to give my true self though, not what I think others need but the part of me that allows them to see who I am, the true me.
Am I being who I am, that true me? I hope and pray that I am. This is not something that happens over night. It takes time. They say that doing the same things over and over but expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. Well, I guess I was insane there for a while but I am changing that. Over the past two years I have changed from doing much of what I had done in the past. Yes, I am still working on other things but I am making progress. For the first time in a long time I am content with the things going on in my life. I do not fear expressing myself or sharing myself with others. Being circled by others that are doing the same things in themselves helps to give support. It is something that I can not do on my own and I do not need to do on my own. Having to band together makes us stronger so that we are free to be all we can be and who we can be. I want to be and will be the true me.
So who am I? I can not answer that question myself but I do know that I am being the things I need to be for myself. Others will see it and will continue to see it as they spend time with me. I am becoming the best that I have ever been. Others will get to experience the true me and hopefully will enjoy the best part of who I am.
