I have written on this subject before but feel that I need to go over it again. If not for me, for some who have been caregivers and have ended up on the short side of a family dispute. Taking care of a parent is a responsibility that falls on a child at one time or another. It can be rewarding and also can be a pure pain in the ass. I was this for 15 months with my father and to be able to spend some great moments with him were priceless, but at the same time, to see him decline, was heart wrenching. Would I do it over again? YES!!!! but only with a parent.
Now to the DARK side of care-giving. Siblings. If you have been a caregiver and you have siblings you know all too well what I am talking about. My oldest sister, that lived 1000 miles away was my protector. Not sure if she knows that or not but if she reads this I hope she knows how much I appreciate that she attempted to be there for me, if not in person, in several long phone conversations. She even took a few weeks out of her busy life to come give me a break. When it came time to make the choice to leave, (in my mind I hurt even now thinking on this) I felt as though I were abandoning my Dad, but knew it was necessary to get him the care that he really needed. She was in full support, or at least she showed me support, of the decisions that I made with Dad, as I was always trying to let her know what was going on.
To my other sister, who lived less than 20 miles from OUR Dad, I have no respect at all. It was all about her. She was in denial plain and simple. Six months prior to my fathers passing away I had made sure that my Daughter was able to come visit and spend time with my Dad, her Grandfather. She told my Daughter that I was just over exaggerating Dads condition. Well, was I BITCH!!! What was she going to get out of it if she did anything was more like it. Well, Dad put me as beneficiary to a measly $6000.00 life insurance policy to which I split between the 3 of us. I look back at it and think why the hell did I even do that. But it is what caregivers do. Calling her and trying to give her updates on Dad fell on deaf ears. Inviting her over was a chore as Dad would sometimes recognize a 'new' person in the house and temporarily regain some strength and memory. But right after the 'new' person left we had to go into the dementia stage all over again. I could go on about this but it is really upsetting because I know a friend of mine is going through the same shit as I did. The issue is she is having the problems with two older brothers. They are both idiots and ass holes. Sorry but this is just how I feel. NO!!!! I am not sorry. Screw them. They are what they are. What is really irritating is how they have fed bullshit lies and misinformation to grandchildren and other family that the caregiver always looks like the bad person. In some way I want to wish the same fate on the others so that they will see what shit faces they are and have been but then again as a caregiver I would not want to see anyone go through what I and my friend have had to go through.
Good grief, This has gotten me pretty worked up so I had better put a close to it before I say even more to piss some people off. What I want to leave with anyone that may possibly read or relate to this is: If you are NOT the caregiver give the caregiver some slack. They are not making any profit out of being a caregiver. Yes, due to the care that they are given, the parent sometimes changes beneficiary, or looks to be 'helping' the one out a bit more. Really, Do you actually think that is the case? Do you actually believe that is WHY we do it? The lack of maturity in some people no matter how old they are amazes me. Some, as in my friend, lost lots of time at her job, could not go on family outings, spent many a long hour at the hospital. Some of these are what happened to me as well but luckily I had retired from my job and was able to take the time to care. Siblings, the response I got was, do not bother me unless it is "that" time. Not with both but with the one that lived the closest. Financial gain from being a caregiver. GIVE ME A BREAK. Even if it looks like you are gaining something you end up LOSING more in the end. I have read many articles on this subject and they all say the same thing that I lived through. You lose so so much more, not just in financial but in mental stress. It is time to look past how you, as the non caregiver sibling, feel due to doing NOTHING, and realize that family is so important that it is not about YOU but about the FAMILY.
