Having to care for a parent can be very rewarding and also very difficult all in the same motion. I was blessed with the opportunity to assist with taking care of my Dad and helping in making his everyday life more comfortable for a period of 15 months. There were ups and downs the whole way but as I have told others I would not change what I did for anything.
Everyday I was able to see that he was mentally digressing along with his physical abilities. Dementia is something you really can not explain but to watch it work on someone is very difficult. The same can be said for someone experiencing Alzheimer’s. Patience is something that you must have in order to assist with a person because each and every minute can be a trying experience. To have someone say one minute that they want one thing or need to do something then within seconds question what they are doing or contradict what they just said. You know that there is a need so you have to listen and watch to understand what is really needed. I saw the frustration on my Dad but to try to explain to him what was going on seemed only to make it worse.
On top of this there is the physical limitations that come with age and health problems. His struggled to get him self up and walk. To not be able to care for his everyday needs without assistance was a strain for him as well. He knew that he needed help but was frustrated at his inability to care for himself. We attempt to care for these physical needs and then we had to see what was happening emotionally to him and react and care for those needs as well. The stress builds tremendously and is so exhausting.
It has been three years since I assisted with taking care of my father but I still am reminded and relive those times when I talk to friends that have or are going through similar times with a parent or loved one. I have talked to a few that had no help from siblings for one reason or another and know exactly what they are going through. Excuses were abundant as to why they could not assist and often it was denial on the part of the sibling. Children have a hard time seeing a parent get to a point that they are unable to care for themselves. Then once the parent passes on anger is generated that they attack the one that cared for the parent. My opinion is that guilt is truly what is behind the anger. They deny the illness and then once the illness has run its course they often look for someone to blame for the death. Then as they get all of this out of their system eventually they are forced to look at their lack of attention to the loved one, then they feel extremely guilty and seek to punish others to take the emphasis off of themselves. I had two sisters that had very busy lives and could not assist with the care of my father. One of them would have if she were able, the other lived in the world of denial. The one thing I am thankful for is that I never was openly attacked by either of my sisters. If they did it was never brought to my attention and I do not feel that they did that either.
Why have I brought all this up two and a half years after my fathers passing. Because I see others going through similar experiences. If you are one that is caring or has cared for a loved one remember the time that you were able to spend with them. You can never get that time back and you will be able to look back at it as some of the most wonderful times that you had with them. If you have siblings that are not involved try to get them involved but remember they may be in denial. If so you may not be able to wake them to reality so be prepared for anything that may come, hopefully they will not attack you, but appreciate you for taking your time to care for the parent. If they are not in denial but can not assist, talk to them and let them know what is going on in every aspect so that hard feeling will not come from your experience. Our lives are too short to allow these things to disrupt our families. If you are a family member unable to help your loved one take the time to encourage the one that is. It is also important that you take the time to listen to the caregiver because they just may know more of what is going on than you do. Hearing what is said prior to the death can displace any misunderstandings that come afterwards. But you need to really listen and not force your opinions as to what you think should be done as you are not there on a daily basis. Most of all though encouragement is what is needed by the caregiver. If at all possible take a week to care for the family member so that you can experience what the caregiver goes through, but remember it may not be as bad during your time with them because changes help the one with dementia and Alzheimer snap into reality.
