There are three primary motivations for deceptions in close relationships.
- Partner-focused motives: using deception to avoid hurting the partner, to help the partner to enhance or maintain his/her self-esteem, to avoid worrying the partner, and to protect the partner's relationship with a third party. Partner-motivated deception can sometimes be viewed as socially polite and relationally beneficial.
- Self-focused motives: using deception to enhance or protect their self-image, wanting to shield themselves from anger, embarrassment, or criticism. Self-focused deception is generally perceived as a more serious transgression than partner-focused deception because the deceiver is acting for selfish reasons rather than for the good of the relationship.
- Relationship-focused motives: using deception to limit relationship harm by avoiding conflict or relational trauma. Relationally motivated deception can be beneficial to a relationship, and other times it can be harmful by further complicating matters. *(Guerrero, L., Anderson, P., Afifi, W. (2007). Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships (2nd ed.). Los Angeles: Sage Publications)
The motivation that I am particularly focused on is the Self-focused motives as given above. Enhancing or protecting their self-image. The deceiver acting for selfish reasons. We do many things to protect our image and we most definitely do this for selfish reasons.
Selfishness is what jumps out at me here, We are all selfish in one form or another, it is a natural part of our flesh. The Word of God speaks against following our own selfish desires as it opens the doors for many terrible sinful actions to manifest in our lives.
*http://christianbiblelife.com/verses/11-humbling-bible-verses-about-selfishness
This has changed from deception to selfishness pretty quick. What does that say? To me it says that when a person uses deception to make themselves look better than who they are in order to protect an image, they have many selfish traits. Now due to our deception, because of our selfishness, we have opened doors for other terrible actions to manifest in us and our lives, as stated above. Is it worth it?
What ever happened to just being honest and open? I watched and like the movie Clear and Present Danger specially when Jack Ryan is talking to the President concerning the close friend of his that had been murdered. If the president were to be asked if he and Hardin were good friends, he should answer. "We're lifelong friends." Instead of any deception or denial he spoke of the basic truth in the relationship. Maybe a bit overboard but there was no denying of the relationship. this is what I attempt to do now with all my talk. Not necessarily the overstatement but if you are in a situation you need to be straight up. Do not hide anything specially if it is for self preservation. Why? What happens if you are found out, or if someone already knows things you do or have done and they know that you are hiding something?
This takes me back to what I stated at the very beginning. What can it do to a person, their integrity, people putting trust in them, and the one that I believe hits the hardest, respect. If I have lost the respect of someone it is disheartening. It takes so so much to build this back up. We have all in some form done something that caused someone to lose trust in us. How about not allowing this to happen. Truthfulness, honesty and integrity, with no form of deception at all. This is how we want others to be towards us so why can we not be this way towards others. I want others to know that what I say is trustworthy. Not thinking in the back of their mind, is this the truth or, what else are they hiding? So, deception, selfishness, integrity, trust, respect, what is important to you and what is your main focus? Something again that has been on my mind over the past few months.
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