I am in Iowa with my son and his family right now. It has been an awesome time spending lots of time with my Grandson Andy. I have had some great talks with my daughter-in-law Chelsea and I have been able to watch Tim interact with his family. This is what I imagined this trip to be like prior to coming and it has been fantastic to see it develop as it has.
There are many things going on in my head right now and I guess it is pretty hard to see where things are headed. I just know that since I had my stroke I have been trying even harder to connect with others. Your mortality comes into question when health problems effect your life. I have seen myself developing in many different ways and at the age I am it seems pretty difficult for others to adjust to my changes. Relationships have been enhanced and others have slacked. I am trying to look at my life as a whole and seeing where I have come from and where I am headed. In doing so I feel I may be changing in the eyes of those that know me. I would say that it is a reality that the changes are occurring but I feel that I have to make changes to what and who I am. For the longest time I always adjusted my self to those I was around. Being what they wanted me to be. When a person does this they lose sight of who they actually are.
I have found my self hesitating again to say and express my thoughts. It has been a month and a half since I last blogged. It felt so refreshing to let my thoughts be expressed in words. Whether anyone reads this or not it makes no difference as I need to share my thoughts, or at least put them down for me. Self expressing is important for everyone and to have your thoughts and ideas put on a back burner is not healthy. If things bother me I try to let it be known but at what cost. I found myself keeping things in and not sharing because I did not want to cause a rift. What that did was cause a rift inside me. Once that rift happened inside me it had a major effect on and in my relationship with others. You have to be able to express your feelings. If you hold them in it tears at your insides and then you start to lose who and what you are.
Over the past month or so I started to attend church again. Its not that I had not gone to church but to actually want to go, that desire was not in me. It is now and I am glad that I have gone. There are areas in my life that need attended to and I am not able to do them on my own. It seems that I have tried in the past to deal with my spirituality on my own and not let God work on me. Or should I say what I had done was to think that I did not need anyone to help me with my spirituality because I could do it on my own. I lost respect for the people of the "church" because I had been let down so much in the past. This made me not want to look to the "church" for help with my spiritual health. What I am trying to do is allow God to use others to help me but not depend on the persons but to depend on God to show me through others. I could care less if the church music is fantastic. It makes no difference if they have a great youth department or the biggest Sunday school. What I need is to be fed with spiritual food that will help me to be what God would have me to be to others but most of all would have me to be to myself. Gods desire is for me to be who I am not what others want me to be. If I become what God wants for myself then I will be what I should be for others. I need to stop adjusting my life to appease others because that tears myself down. I must become what God sees for me so that I can truly be a tool for him. That is what matters, To live your life as other people want you to makes no sense at all. You are torn apart trying to make adjustments all the time. Living your life as Jesus did, sacrificing your self for others and not being selfish, that is how we should live. It is a "me" world right now and way too many people are concerned with only themselves. Sometimes out of self preservation a person needs to take action for himself but to only do things for yourself is wrong.
I guess I have covered a few random thoughts going through my head. This has been refreshing again.
There are many things going on in my head right now and I guess it is pretty hard to see where things are headed. I just know that since I had my stroke I have been trying even harder to connect with others. Your mortality comes into question when health problems effect your life. I have seen myself developing in many different ways and at the age I am it seems pretty difficult for others to adjust to my changes. Relationships have been enhanced and others have slacked. I am trying to look at my life as a whole and seeing where I have come from and where I am headed. In doing so I feel I may be changing in the eyes of those that know me. I would say that it is a reality that the changes are occurring but I feel that I have to make changes to what and who I am. For the longest time I always adjusted my self to those I was around. Being what they wanted me to be. When a person does this they lose sight of who they actually are.
I have found my self hesitating again to say and express my thoughts. It has been a month and a half since I last blogged. It felt so refreshing to let my thoughts be expressed in words. Whether anyone reads this or not it makes no difference as I need to share my thoughts, or at least put them down for me. Self expressing is important for everyone and to have your thoughts and ideas put on a back burner is not healthy. If things bother me I try to let it be known but at what cost. I found myself keeping things in and not sharing because I did not want to cause a rift. What that did was cause a rift inside me. Once that rift happened inside me it had a major effect on and in my relationship with others. You have to be able to express your feelings. If you hold them in it tears at your insides and then you start to lose who and what you are.
Over the past month or so I started to attend church again. Its not that I had not gone to church but to actually want to go, that desire was not in me. It is now and I am glad that I have gone. There are areas in my life that need attended to and I am not able to do them on my own. It seems that I have tried in the past to deal with my spirituality on my own and not let God work on me. Or should I say what I had done was to think that I did not need anyone to help me with my spirituality because I could do it on my own. I lost respect for the people of the "church" because I had been let down so much in the past. This made me not want to look to the "church" for help with my spiritual health. What I am trying to do is allow God to use others to help me but not depend on the persons but to depend on God to show me through others. I could care less if the church music is fantastic. It makes no difference if they have a great youth department or the biggest Sunday school. What I need is to be fed with spiritual food that will help me to be what God would have me to be to others but most of all would have me to be to myself. Gods desire is for me to be who I am not what others want me to be. If I become what God wants for myself then I will be what I should be for others. I need to stop adjusting my life to appease others because that tears myself down. I must become what God sees for me so that I can truly be a tool for him. That is what matters, To live your life as other people want you to makes no sense at all. You are torn apart trying to make adjustments all the time. Living your life as Jesus did, sacrificing your self for others and not being selfish, that is how we should live. It is a "me" world right now and way too many people are concerned with only themselves. Sometimes out of self preservation a person needs to take action for himself but to only do things for yourself is wrong.
I guess I have covered a few random thoughts going through my head. This has been refreshing again.
1 comment:
Keep talkin'.... we / I enjoy reading :)
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