Seeing how the past is used for our present and that of others..

I came to a realization today as I was talking to a friend of mine. Things happen for a reason and it takes a while to understand what is behind it. My senior year in high school I developed a friendship with a neighbor. She was a mother figure and had lots to share with me. I would stop by her house and visit with her almost every day that year when I was not practicing for basketball or baseball. She was able to share with me lots of wisdom and insight that I would not accept from my own mother. I learned so much from those talks and was able to put so much of it in my head, though I may not have realized the reasoning for it.

Now just prior to my graduation, she passed away. She was only 39 if I am not mistaken. It was a tough time for me as no one really knew how close we became during that time. I will always cherish that time of my life. I have looked back at this and knew there was a reason for the relationship and always thought it was because I needed someone besides my own mother to help me through things. Though I have not always followed the path she was able to share with me I have always come back to it. Then it finally hit me.

For some reason God chose to take this angel to be with Him leaving behind a husband and three children. We can not question this as all things are in His control. But why was I allowed to spend so much time with her. I may have found an answer to that. This past year I was blessed to have her daughter reintroduced into my life. I have met her, her husband and daughter and they are a wonderful family. As I was chatting with her she mentioned how much she missed having her mother to talk to when she goes through all the things that families deal with. She and I have had many discussions concerning many subjects and during one of those times it hit me. As she was left with out a mother at a young age, not able to have guidance during those impressionable days, I had many months to take in many of the things her mother would have eventually shared with her, but due to the death, that never happened. Now I am not saying that everything I learned from our talks I remember but I do know that I was shaped into who I am because of some of it. I believe that I am being used now to talk to the daughter and share with her the things her mother would have taught her. God knew He was taking her to be with Him and He knew that somehow somewhere her words would need to get to her daughter.

I am not saying any of this to point to me as being super spiritual or anything, because I do not feel I am. Please do not think that. All I want to get across is that things happen in our lives that we don't understand. Sometime we never get to see or understand the reasoning behind them and sometimes we do. Take what happens in our lives and embrace it. Our plans are not what is important in the major scheme of life. Things happen for reasons beyond our control and if we stay connected and in line with the bigger picture our past will be used to form our future and that of others.

Dying to self.

When you are forgotten or neglected, or purposely set at naught and you don't sting and hurt with insult or the oversight but your heart is happy, being counted worthy for Christ--- THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

When your good is evil spoken of, your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient loving silence, THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

When you lovingly and patiently hear any disorder, and irregularity, or any annoyance when you stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility and endure it as Jesus endured it... THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

When you are content with any food, any offering, and raiment, any climate, any society, any solitude, any interruption by the will of God, THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation, when you can truly love to be unknown. -- THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

When you can see your brother prosper, and have his needs met, and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy nor question God when your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances. -- THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself, and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart.... THAT IS DYING TO SELF.

Are you dead yet? In these days the Spirit would bring us to the cross "that I may know Him... being made conformable unto His death."

Author Unknown

A Prayer for the Middle-Aged

Lord, thou knowest better than I would know myself that I am growing older and that some day I shall be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out every body's affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody, helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but thou knowest Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.

Keep my mind free from recital of endless details, give me wings to get at the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace to enjoy the tales of others pains, but help me to endure with patience.

I dare not ask for improved memory, but for growing humility and a lessening of cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memory of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that, occasionally, I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet: I do not want to be a saint- some of them are hard to live with- but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil.

Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people, and give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

Being who I am.

Who am I? This is a question we all ask ourselves at one time or another. Then once we think we have figured out who we are we look at our self and ask who is this? That is not who I really am, why can I not be my true self?

This past weekend I was at a boot camp for men. I am not going to tell you that I was overcome with a feeling that moved me and transformed me. But I was able to see some things that happened in my past that formed my attitude and developed me into what I did during my lifetime. I would have to say it is who I became, not who I was or actually wanted to be. I am not going to mention who or what happened in my early years, as that is personal, but I want to talk about the things that I became because of what happened. The important part is what am I doing to become the best that I can be now due to learning from my past.

I know for a long time I would adjust my being into what others expected or wanted from me. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing but when that is all you do, not remaining true to yourself, you end up losing the real you. Things happened early on in my life that caused me to get quiet and not show who or what I was. I would hold things in and keep to myself and I would try to get along rather than express my thoughts. I became competitive and was able to show some of what I was through sports. Later on without having the sports I fell back into the pattern of allowing things to just happen and make sure rifts did not appear. This was not always good because eventually I did have to speak out. When you stay quiet for the longest time, eventually speaking out, showing a different side of you causes others to look at you differently. They look at you and wonder who is this person? Where did that come from? When I did this and got those questions it actually forced me back into my shell. It was easier to conform because I did not have to answer the questions. I was becoming someone that I did not like. I guess what I am trying to say is that I lost who I was and wanted to be. To make up for it I allowed myself to believe that I should be what others were telling me, who and what I should be. I would be the person they needed or wanted or expected and this was not good for me. Losing yourself to be what others want is not what others need either. It does feel good for them in the short term, but not over the long haul.

So what am I doing to be who or what I am? First of all I have learned and am still learning why I became who I was. Knowing why is the first process in figuring out who I really am. Then getting my heart back and adjusting my thoughts and patterns to become who I need to be, not just for myself, but most of all for God. We have a lot to give in life but we need to give our true self if we are to be content. Internal struggles just frustrate us as we move through our life and though it works for a while the pressure builds and we lose control. So finding the causes of our withholding and moving past them to free our self will give us the freedom to be all we can be. Not just to others but to our self.

Finding a desire, something to live for, a goal to reach, and knowing that I can get there is part of my plan to be who I am. Living an adventure, and this is not a big thing for me but I still have to have an adventure. This gives excitement inside me and helps me to let out those inner struggles, pushing me to be free to express myself. Giving myself to others is what I feel is the best part of me. I need to give my true self though, not what I think others need but the part of me that allows them to see who I am, the true me.

Am I being who I am, that true me? I hope and pray that I am. This is not something that happens over night. It takes time. They say that doing the same things over and over but expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. Well, I guess I was insane there for a while but I am changing that. Over the past two years I have changed from doing much of what I had done in the past. Yes, I am still working on other things but I am making progress. For the first time in a long time I am content with the things going on in my life. I do not fear expressing myself or sharing myself with others. Being circled by others that are doing the same things in themselves helps to give support. It is something that I can not do on my own and I do not need to do on my own. Having to band together makes us stronger so that we are free to be all we can be and who we can be. I want to be and will be the true me.

So who am I? I can not answer that question myself but I do know that I am being the things I need to be for myself. Others will see it and will continue to see it as they spend time with me. I am becoming the best that I have ever been. Others will get to experience the true me and hopefully will enjoy the best part of who I am.

One of his best weekends.

Several months ago I attempted to set up a get together with my kids. At first it did not look as if it was going to happen. The finally everything started to fall into place. The weekend of December 10- 12, 2010 will go down as one of my best weekends of all time.

OK, you are asking what happened that made is so memorable! Absolutely nothing and everything happened to make it that way. How does that work out? Well, you put together a group of people, family, and just let things happen and go from there. There was talking, eating, napping, playing, children crying, laughing and you name it happening. All these and so much more happened making this a remarkably memorable weekend.

The last time I was able to be with my sons and daughter was when my Father passed away back in March of 2008. It had been at my oldest son Tim's wedding several years prior to that when we were last together. With those times not being the best at really getting together you can saw we were long overdue for quality time together.

I was able to get the use of a cabin in North Georgia and getting together with my Daughter-in-law we set up a weekend. Calls were made and discussions took place and it was all set up. Finally we were going to all get together. My son Tim with Andy (my 5 year old grandson), my son Cody and Bobbie Gene with their son Jayden (2 plus year old grandson), and Karri my daughter, with her boyfriend Kevin, all made plans to attend. The weekend was upon us and on Friday December 10Th the amazing weekend started.

Tim and I arrived first with Tim becoming the fire builder. He started and maintained the fireplace and the fire pit out side that we all enjoyed. I started to decorate the place for Christmas waiting for my daughter to get there so she could help put a woman's touch to the decorations. She arrived with Kevin around 5pm and together we finished decorating the place. I was so glad to have her help as she definitely made a difference. Dinner was at David's Pizza Place. For those of you who are not aware of this place it is my own home made pizza. I get all the ingredients together and hand toss some dough into the pizza pie and we load them up with whatever we want on it. My favorites are cheese, pepperoni, onions, green peppers and mushrooms. We also made one with just pepperoni and cheese for Karri. All evening we sat talking, enjoying the scenery and warming up to the fire waiting on Cody, Bobbie Gene and Jayden to arrive. They Finally got in around 10:30 that evening. Needless to say we stayed up a little later than normal but we enjoyed every minute.

Morning came and it was coffee time. The smell of coffee brewing and sitting down with Andy watching morning cartoons. You just can not get a time any better than that. As the others started to wake I put on some bacon, maple cured, and the aroma filled the cabin encouraging the others to get up and out of bed. Then I started the eggs, scrambled with onions, green peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes and fresh garlic. Yum!!! Of course I made some generic boring scrambled eggs as well. Keeping with the topic of food, Kevin volunteered his chili for dinner that evening. It was one of the best that I have had and of course I now have the recipe and am looking forward to trying my hand at it as well. One part of the weekend that made it special was everyone sitting down and eating together. Whether it was breakfast or dinner we sat and enjoyed the time talking about whatever came to mind.

I was able to take my two daughters out to Blue Ridge, GA on Saturday. We walked up and down the main street checking out all the specialty stores and just having a great time. Even though it was cold and my back started hurting it was another of the enjoyable times of the weekend. Cody and I were able to go back in the afternoon and spend some quality time walking the stores as well. Tim and I were able to drive together from Atlanta to the cabin and we went 4 wheeling together so I had my quality time with him as well. I have to admit though the best time was sitting on the couch with Andy watching cartoons. He snuggles up close resting next to me and when he wants my attention goes, "Hey Papa Wizz...." Seems like I will never get rid of that Wizz nickname. I have had it since high school. Though Jayden and I did not sit much or hang out we did get to have some fun together. He is learning who his Papa Wizz is and over the weekend warmed up to me more and more. Cody quickly became the king of the Foosball table beating everyone in sight. It did not matter who he was teamed with or who he played he was winning. Well, that was until Tim and I teamed up and beat him and Kevin two games to none. Relaxing, playing games, riding 4 wheelers, eating, warming to the fire, sitting in the hot tub, no matter what we did we were able to get close having a great time.

An interesting thing happened Saturday afternoon while we were hanging out. Karri was outside on the porch visiting, I was sitting on the couch, others were just doing whatever. My cell phone rang and up popped Karri's picture. I did not pay attention to the number, just the picture and answered with "What you doing Karebear?" Well to my surprise it was not my Karebear. If I had looked closer to the actual number I would have seen it was her Mom's number. I have that under Karri because she is often over there and I will have to call there to talk to here. Anyways, Teresa was on the line and she told me how glad she was that all of us were together having a great time. As we talked she mentioned that it was really hard on her knowing that Andy was only 5 hours away and that she was not going to be able to see him. It has also been over a year since she had seen him and was going to be longer still. I think you may know where this is going so I will go ahead and tell you. I invited her to come on down to see all of them together. She pretty much immediately left and drove down arriving after midnight. There is a time in your life when no matter what has happened or what your history is with someone you do have to get along. What better time than Christmas!!!

All day Sunday was so relaxing and enjoyable, well for the most part. We had breakfast together, I fixed more bacon and Karri made French toast with cinnamon. One of those things we did when she was smaller and we will always remember doing together. There were times when we were all in the same area and times when we spread out in different areas of the cabin. It did not matter as we went around visiting, sharing and just being together. It was cold out and after having rained some it started to sleet. Then the snow began to fall. Not much snow but enough to make for an interesting time later in the day. When you combine below freezing temperatures with rain and put snow on top you get some very slippery roads. As most everyone needed to get back to their respected homes on Monday the decision was made to leave Sunday evening. Tim and I were going to be the last to leave. The others packed up, good-byes were said and off they went. About 15 minutes later Tim got a call from Cody and, as we were up on a mountain, with winding up and down roads, that were now ice covered, you can guess what happened. Two of the cars could not make it up one of the inclines. So Tim and I drove to find them and after a short time decided to get everyone back to the cabin, believing we were going to have to stay the night. Good thing we had food still. After some time I remembered that there was a back way down the mountain. Tim and I got out the four wheelers and decided to drive it and see what it looked like. Luckily this back way was dirt or gravel road so we all made the choice to try and drive out that way. We did make it to the highway safely and started our trek home. All the excitement was not over with though. Teresa's van developed a cracked radiator so her and Cody had to stop for the night near the Tennessee border. Karri and Kevin continued on but it took them over 12 hours to make the 5 hour drive as the snow was worse up in Kentucky making for slow driving conditions. Cody and Teresa eventually got her van to a shop to be fixed and they did make it back to Kentucky. Tim and I did not have any problems making it back to Atlanta but Tim decided to get just a few hours sleep and take off at 2am to head back to Texas.

The important thing though with all this "difficulty", it did not dampen the spirit of the weekend. Nothing was able to take away the joy we all shared from spending time together. My prayer for everyone this Christmas season is that you will have the best time you can with your families. Remembering of course that Jesus is the reason for the season and sharing the love He has for us with others is what we should always be willing to do.

Caring for loved ones as a caregiver or other family member.

Having to care for a parent can be very rewarding and also very difficult all in the same motion. I was blessed with the opportunity to assist with taking care of my Dad and helping in making his everyday life more comfortable for a period of 15 months. There were ups and downs the whole way but as I have told others I would not change what I did for anything.

Everyday I was able to see that he was mentally digressing along with his physical abilities. Dementia is something you really can not explain but to watch it work on someone is very difficult. The same can be said for someone experiencing Alzheimer’s. Patience is something that you must have in order to assist with a person because each and every minute can be a trying experience. To have someone say one minute that they want one thing or need to do something then within seconds question what they are doing or contradict what they just said. You know that there is a need so you have to listen and watch to understand what is really needed. I saw the frustration on my Dad but to try to explain to him what was going on seemed only to make it worse.

On top of this there is the physical limitations that come with age and health problems. His struggled to get him self up and walk. To not be able to care for his everyday needs without assistance was a strain for him as well. He knew that he needed help but was frustrated at his inability to care for himself. We attempt to care for these physical needs and then we had to see what was happening emotionally to him and react and care for those needs as well. The stress builds tremendously and is so exhausting.

It has been three years since I assisted with taking care of my father but I still am reminded and relive those times when I talk to friends that have or are going through similar times with a parent or loved one. I have talked to a few that had no help from siblings for one reason or another and know exactly what they are going through. Excuses were abundant as to why they could not assist and often it was denial on the part of the sibling. Children have a hard time seeing a parent get to a point that they are unable to care for themselves. Then once the parent passes on anger is generated that they attack the one that cared for the parent. My opinion is that guilt is truly what is behind the anger. They deny the illness and then once the illness has run its course they often look for someone to blame for the death. Then as they get all of this out of their system eventually they are forced to look at their lack of attention to the loved one, then they feel extremely guilty and seek to punish others to take the emphasis off of themselves. I had two sisters that had very busy lives and could not assist with the care of my father. One of them would have if she were able, the other lived in the world of denial. The one thing I am thankful for is that I never was openly attacked by either of my sisters. If they did it was never brought to my attention and I do not feel that they did that either.

Why have I brought all this up two and a half years after my fathers passing. Because I see others going through similar experiences. If you are one that is caring or has cared for a loved one remember the time that you were able to spend with them. You can never get that time back and you will be able to look back at it as some of the most wonderful times that you had with them. If you have siblings that are not involved try to get them involved but remember they may be in denial. If so you may not be able to wake them to reality so be prepared for anything that may come, hopefully they will not attack you, but appreciate you for taking your time to care for the parent. If they are not in denial but can not assist, talk to them and let them know what is going on in every aspect so that hard feeling will not come from your experience. Our lives are too short to allow these things to disrupt our families. If you are a family member unable to help your loved one take the time to encourage the one that is. It is also important that you take the time to listen to the caregiver because they just may know more of what is going on than you do. Hearing what is said prior to the death can displace any misunderstandings that come afterwards. But you need to really listen and not force your opinions as to what you think should be done as you are not there on a daily basis. Most of all though encouragement is what is needed by the caregiver. If at all possible take a week to care for the family member so that you can experience what the caregiver goes through, but remember it may not be as bad during your time with them because changes help the one with dementia and Alzheimer snap into reality.

What is right there before us.

It's not what He isn't giving but what he is giving. We can get so locked onto what we don't have, what we think we want or need, that we miss the gifts God is giving.

I read this today and it made me sit and think, so now I need to talk about it. How many times have I been so emphatic on what I think I want or need that it consumes my every day? I want to think that I do not do it often but I know that I do let it happen. I pray Lord let this happen or let that happen, give me this or give me that. Please allow this to come into my life or remove this other thing that is really bothering me. Do I become so consumed by it that I do not see what is right there before me?

Learning to be happy or content with where I am in life has been so uplifting. I have found that I do not allow worry to get in my way. Yes, it still happens but I find it easier to move on and do not dwell on it as much.
Over the past year I have been given so much with out even asking for it. Well, I can not say I didn't really ask for it because I have asked God to take care of me in and through all situations. He has given me a nice place to live, friends that keep me grounded, an income to satisfy my daily needs, and family. What more does a person really need?
So I guess what is on my mind is, are there things that have been given to me that I have missed because I was looking for something else? I am sure the answer to that is yes. I would like to be the type of person that looks at what he has and is thankful for it, not looking for the next thing out there. Being open to the gifts that appear each and every moment and enjoying them. It is like taking time to look up at the sky when it is raining and instead of saying, Please let it stop raining!, but seeing the rainbow that is up there, reminding us of the promises that God made. We are given so much, with out even asking for it, but we don't take the time to accept and enjoy them. How many times have we missed them all together? I do not even want to think of that because I am sure it is more than I want to know.
Help me to not be one to complain about what I do not have but look for and be thankful for all that I do have right before me. I want to be able to say that I have not missed out on God's gifts because I was asking for things I really did not want or need. He is so good to us, even more than we realize.