Pain in the Back Follow up.

I find it interesting how I went such a long time with a little bit of pain and then all of the sudden it was pretty much uncontrollable. Walking over two miles a day for several weeks and I was actually feeling pretty good. Then there it was. So unbearable that when I went to walk it took me one lap to get loosened up then I was out of commission the rest of the day.

It seems now that I want to put an interesting twist to the back pain. At the time the pain started to get worse I had made a change in my life. I grew up going to church all my life and over the past 10 years found a bad taste from going. Now I am attending church regularly on Sunday mornings and then I started going to two Bible studies on Tuesday and Wednesday. Guess when the back pain started. Right after I made the commitment to attend the Bible Studies. It was so evident that those there noticed my pain and I was even trying to conceal it as much as possible. So what has that got to do with my back pain?

I have learned through my church attending, from when I was younger, that Satan loves it when Christians stop doing what they are supposed to be doing. Not attending church, bad attitudes, living carefree and that who really cares attitude. Just like I had. Then all of the sudden I make a life change and try to get myself back to where I need to be. Well, Satan pretty much has free rain here on the earth and he does not like Christians to get on the right path. I truly believe that it was Satan allowing the pain to build and took away a lot of my pain tolerance so that I was really feeling miserable. But the thing is I refused to stop doing what I was doing. Being reminded that God is really in control and you must rebuke Satan to get him to leave you alone, I had to do something.

What was it I did? First I prayed to God and told Him I understand that due to whatever, I am going to have this pain and may never get rid of it. But that is not up to me, it is up to Him. (Jacob and Paul are examples of having injuries or illnesses that God would not remove and allowed them to keep as reminders of God being in charge. But if it was not going to be removed I needed the tolerance to be able to live daily as He would have me to. Then I had to rebuke Satan and say out loud, "Satan leave me alone, you are not going to control my life."

So what has this accomplished. First God knows that I want to live for Him, second Satan now knows he does not have power over me unless God allows it. Third, and finally the pain that was so bad is not. Yes, I am hurting but I expect to have some pain but it is not totally keeping me from doing things. Not that I can really do much but I am able to function with limitations. God is in control.

His pain in the back.

I really do not like to complain and am usually pretty good at not when it comes to my back and other health problems. For the past few weeks I have been walking religiously at the mall, just under 3 miles if what I was told is correct. Everything was going really good until this Tuesday. I have no idea what happened but my back is really hurting. I had a very high pain tolerance prior to my stroke but it seems that now everything really bothers me, specially my back.

When I hurt my back at work in March of 2006 it took me 45 minutes before I could even move. The pain was very intense. Well I am almost to that point right now. I get up and try to walk and the pain is a real pain. I am hunched over and my body is twisted. Walking is slow and just not good at all. The pain is close to what it was that day in March when I hurt it.

How does that make me feel? Well, I am pretty upset. It does not stop me from doing things as I will not let it, though I do way too much. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I can not get much sleep as I find it hard to get comfortable. I even started taking over the counter pain meds and I do not like to take any meds. Sometimes I want to just scream and yell. Very frustrating when something effects you in this way.

As I said I am not much of a complainer but I had to vent. Do not think it will relieve the pain but it does feel better to get it out and say something about it. I had an MRI taken two weeks ago and they are comparing it to the MRI taken prior to my surgery. We shall see what happens.

His Birthday.

Now I am not one to actually talk about my birthday because I don't like to "celebrate" that day. It is just one day of 365 other days in a year. It just so happens that years ago I happened to be born on that day.

This year I got several birthday wishes from various people and they were well appreciated. I guess, not so surprising, a few people chose not to send birthday wishes but those things are trivial in my mind. My focus is on how my day went.

As details are not the important thing with my day, the overall feeling is what I want to talk about. The day was used to do as I wanted. I drove around in the rain, examined the clouds, walked at the mall, and watched people at the book store. Sat, ate lunch, then had a few hours to just enjoy being, doing something I had never done before. I was so relaxed and content that it made the day very enjoyable. Afterward, I was able to drive some more and as the clouds broke and the sun started to shine the beauty of the day really came through.

What are my overall feelings? I feel alive, I feel great, I feel that great things are still to come in my life. To be able to spend my birthday as I wanted was fantastic. I lived life on my birthday. I became a day older than I was the day before, not a year older. The celebration for me was me. That is not selfish as everyone needs to be celebrated, to feel good about being alive. My mental state was the best it had been in a long time. Before the day ended I read a few chapters of a book I had gotten earlier in the day, watched my favorite show, ate a very good meal and ended up falling asleep on the couch.

There was no need to celebrate by birthday but the fact that I acknowledged the day as my day and enjoyed it as I wanted made it the best day.

Obtaining your desires.

When walking I had this thought run through my head and during the 40 minute walk I processed it. It is not enough to try to make things happen or look for any one thing in particular. You must expect what you want to happen and expect what you are looking for to be there for you. On top of that you must see and feel yourself experiencing what you want to happen and want to have. I have come to the realization that this is possible through actually doing this and having it come to be. It is not as simple as it sounds though because we do not always believe that we will and can obtain what we desire. Training the mind to process this way and really believe is the difficult part.

I want to use two scriptures from the Bible that show this is possible. Matthew 21:22 (NIV) says "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Mark 11:24 (NIV) states " Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Now I am not a preacher nor do I claim to have any extra incite than anyone else but I do believe in God's Word. I looked up these verses and read what it was in reference to. Jesus had cursed the fig tree and it withered. The disciples just had a hard time with that. He went on to say that they could do the same or even move a mountain if they had the faith and believed.

The way I see it, here is what I have to do. Pray. How often do I pray for something? Do we have to ask over and over? Once should be enough. As a parent how irritating is it when your child asks over and over for something. I remember telling mine that asking once is enough. God hears us when we ask so now we have to follow through with the other steps. Pretty hard to wait if you ask me but that is part of the process. Faith. Have faith that it is going to happen and that it will be there for you. Believing. I take this believing as living as though what you want is already yours.

Now what happens when what we want is not what is best for us. Well, I prayed for it, I had faith that it was going to be there, and darn it! I believed that I already had it. Here is where being a Christian and trusting God to know best as to what we need comes into play. The way I see it if I do not receive exactly what I ask for I will get something in its place that will be even better than what I wanted in the first place.

This has to do with every aspect of my life. Health, family, relationships, living condition and even wealth and happiness. I have a desire to be whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy. I want to be able to take care of myself, dependant on no one. I could state all the problems I have in my life right now but that is not having faith and believing so guess what. I have all these things already. I know that they will be part of my life and all I have to do is expect them to be here. Not on my time but eventually they will be here for me. I see it and feel it and am experiencing it already.

My Trip to Iowa.

Having just returned from Iowa I wanted to talk about my time with my son Tim, his wife Chelsea, and of course my grandson Andy. Tim is growing into such a good person, a great husband to Chelsea, and a fantastic Dad to Andy and to me, he is a super Son. To see him take care of his family, I could not be more proud of him. He considers all the needs of his family and does the best he can to provide from them. He is very good at expressing himself and has focus on where he wants to be. I could not be more proud of him. Tim takes pride in his work as when I went to see one of the places he has been working on, he spoke with excitement, explaining his work. What is really nice to see is that he knows he has room to grow and to continues to learn more and more each and every day.

Chelsea is not just Tim's wife she is a daughter to me. To see her interact with Andy, teaching him and caring for him was a delight. Then to see her excitement with Tim and her concern for him as well. Knowing that she is behind him in all his decisions, working with him as well. She allows Tim to be Tim and that is so important. I know what it is like to not be allowed to be yourself or to adjust yourself to those around that you forget yourself. Adjustment is good but forgetting yourself is not. (I will save that for another post.) I enjoyed so much just talking with Chelsea and sharing thoughts and ideas. We cooked together, walked the mall, played with Andy and just hung out. It was awesome to be with and around her as she is a very special person.
Andy!!!!! What can I say about him. He is the smartest grandson anyone could every have. Ha ha. Every grandparent says that about their grand kids but I really know it!!! He is a delight to be around. Give him a book and he will sit and go through it looking at all he can and telling you about it. (Mommy has read him so many books and he loves to sit with her.) Offer to play ball with him and you will be active for many hours if you want. You want to learn beach Wii then play with Andy. He is very good. To watch him bowl on the Wii is so cute also. When we went to the mall to play at the playground it made me feel so young again as he laughed and played. I could go on and on but I won't bore you with that. I have the videos to watch and will relive those memories until the next time I get to spend with him. Hearing him call me his Papa Wizz was so thrilling and hearing him giggle as he did so was priceless. To get a hug from him as he went to lay down or just seeing him play with his mom or dad was awesome.
I will cherish these memories of Tim, Chelsea and Andy but more than that I look forward to the next time I get to spend with them.

Random things.

I am in Iowa with my son and his family right now. It has been an awesome time spending lots of time with my Grandson Andy. I have had some great talks with my daughter-in-law Chelsea and I have been able to watch Tim interact with his family. This is what I imagined this trip to be like prior to coming and it has been fantastic to see it develop as it has.

There are many things going on in my head right now and I guess it is pretty hard to see where things are headed. I just know that since I had my stroke I have been trying even harder to connect with others. Your mortality comes into question when health problems effect your life. I have seen myself developing in many different ways and at the age I am it seems pretty difficult for others to adjust to my changes. Relationships have been enhanced and others have slacked. I am trying to look at my life as a whole and seeing where I have come from and where I am headed. In doing so I feel I may be changing in the eyes of those that know me. I would say that it is a reality that the changes are occurring but I feel that I have to make changes to what and who I am. For the longest time I always adjusted my self to those I was around. Being what they wanted me to be. When a person does this they lose sight of who they actually are.

I have found my self hesitating again to say and express my thoughts. It has been a month and a half since I last blogged. It felt so refreshing to let my thoughts be expressed in words. Whether anyone reads this or not it makes no difference as I need to share my thoughts, or at least put them down for me. Self expressing is important for everyone and to have your thoughts and ideas put on a back burner is not healthy. If things bother me I try to let it be known but at what cost. I found myself keeping things in and not sharing because I did not want to cause a rift. What that did was cause a rift inside me. Once that rift happened inside me it had a major effect on and in my relationship with others. You have to be able to express your feelings. If you hold them in it tears at your insides and then you start to lose who and what you are.

Over the past month or so I started to attend church again. Its not that I had not gone to church but to actually want to go, that desire was not in me. It is now and I am glad that I have gone. There are areas in my life that need attended to and I am not able to do them on my own. It seems that I have tried in the past to deal with my spirituality on my own and not let God work on me. Or should I say what I had done was to think that I did not need anyone to help me with my spirituality because I could do it on my own. I lost respect for the people of the "church" because I had been let down so much in the past. This made me not want to look to the "church" for help with my spiritual health. What I am trying to do is allow God to use others to help me but not depend on the persons but to depend on God to show me through others. I could care less if the church music is fantastic. It makes no difference if they have a great youth department or the biggest Sunday school. What I need is to be fed with spiritual food that will help me to be what God would have me to be to others but most of all would have me to be to myself. Gods desire is for me to be who I am not what others want me to be. If I become what God wants for myself then I will be what I should be for others. I need to stop adjusting my life to appease others because that tears myself down. I must become what God sees for me so that I can truly be a tool for him. That is what matters, To live your life as other people want you to makes no sense at all. You are torn apart trying to make adjustments all the time. Living your life as Jesus did, sacrificing your self for others and not being selfish, that is how we should live. It is a "me" world right now and way too many people are concerned with only themselves. Sometimes out of self preservation a person needs to take action for himself but to only do things for yourself is wrong.

I guess I have covered a few random thoughts going through my head. This has been refreshing again.

Placing Professional Atheletes up so high as to have them as Role Models.

What is wrong with having an athlete as a role model? Look at them and see what they do. You hear them give thanks to God for giving them this awesome talent. They heap praise on fellow team mates for doing the little things that allow them to be so fantastic. They get into the face of opposing players and stare them down, intimidate each other. Show them up in whatever way they can. Is not this what every parent wants of the kids they raise?

Then look at all they do off the field. Go to bars and nightclubs, getting into fights, carry weapons, they let people know they can do what they want, when they want and how they want. Makes me so proud to see them that way. I do want my kids and grand kids to look up to these guys. They make their parents proud for sure. To have your child look up to a guy that stands up on TV and says that he did not know that a pro football game could end in a tie. This is a quarterback that has been in the league for years. Did not know how the League he plays in deals with ties in the regular season compared to the post season. Then to have a player get into a fight with his team sponsored body guard. Another shoots himself in the leg. (I think there is more to this story.) They start fights on the court, in the field, on the bench. Against the other players, their own team mates and coaches, and then with the fans.

What does this say about us as a society? Look at the breed of youth we are developing in today's world. It seems that there is no respect for anything or anyone, knowing and understanding the rules are not as important as the final outcome. You sure don't have to be smart to be a professional athlete do you? If you are good enough you don't have to go to college, or if you do go then why finish. The all important dollar is waiting for you. That all important buck, The all important spotlight on them. The cash dries up once they stop playing and the light bulb burns out eventually. I don't want to put all athletes in the same category because they are not, but we need to stop looking up to them except for the ability they show on the court or on the field.

Role models I think not. Doing things the way they want, at whatever the expense be to others and with what rules they see fit to use. Thank you Charles Barkley for not wanting to be a role model. That made you more of one than all the other bozos out there. An athlete is nothing more than an entertainer. What good do they do to society as a whole. They make you feel good or bad for a moment. They allow your emotions to run wild for a moment. To root for the winning team or boo the other team. Lets put it all in perspective. If an athlete does something to better society then I will look up to him. And there are many out there that do just that. But you hardly ever hear about them. Its the jerks that make the news and the ones that kids are wearing those jerseys.