My relationship with my Mom.

It was 24 years ago today that my Mother passed away. I was 26 at the time so I was not very long into my adult life. I have talked to others about my relationship with my Mom with most of the conversation leading to how rebellious I became once I turned 18.

I know that most kids have a rebellious side to them but eventually they get the chance to spend time with a parent or both parents once they grow up and grow out of it. With my Mother I did not get that chance.

What do I recall about my growing up and having the mother that I had? Let me start this by saying what I believe others thought of her. If you were to ask my sisters you would find a totally different woman than the one I had growing up. Ask the children Mom taught in Sunday school or Bible School and you would get a version of a woman that loved God, loved kids and teaching them about Jesus. The adults would tell you about a person that was giving and caring but had a very strong will and would definitely tell you what she thought.

The person I saw growing up was a caring mother but one who definitely wanted me to become my own person. I was blessed to have gone to a good church and was not “forced” to attend as I wanted to go to church. She tried in her own way to read, not just the Bible, but other books with me, though I was not thrilled to do this. She taught Bible Club at the place we lived for a short time and I recall enjoying doing that with her as my teacher. I remember helping her to put her lessons together at the kitchen table and so forth. Mom loved to sew and I recall many a time going to the clothing store looking for patterns and fabric so that she could sew dresses and other things. She would sit and crochet all the time. Cooking was another thing I recall Mom loving to do. She grew up in Oklahoma and could cook any down home southern meal you wanted. I got my love for cooking from her. When she was working and I would come home from school there would be a recipe on the counter with food thawed in the sink or fridge. I would call her and she would say, “I will be home at 6 have this ready when I get home.” You may think a kid would hate that but I really did like it. Gardening was a love of hers as well, as everywhere we lived we had a garden. I recall tilling up the ground, throwing in compost and fertilizer, then making the rows and planting the seeds or the starter plants.

Fresh veggies all the time during the summer and then the weeks she would spend canning. The pressure cooker, the jars with lids, mounds of beans, piles of corn, bushels of tomatoes all ready to be canned.

We would go up into Amish country to the market, picking strawberries, finding the elderberries, raiding the Fredricks cherry trees. Going out to the Hartford apple orchards and bringing home bushel after bushel of apples. Mom had plenty of food in the basement and would supply any and all to whoever wanted it or needed it. The support I got from her was more than any child could ask for. Playing Little League then baseball in High School to all my basketball games I recall looking over and seeing Mom in the stands cheering me on. These are a few of my memories of my Mother.

Then I grew up, or thought I had. I didn’t need Mom telling me what to do, after all, she trained me well, I had been a good kid.

Let me be was my attitude. After all Mom, you were not that perfect person you tried to portrait to everyone. I lived with you and saw many of your faults. You want me to have a curfew, excuse me but I have not been a bad kid and now that I am 18 you want me to start following all these rules. Excuse me but no. That was an argument we had the summer after I graduated from High School. It changed my relationship with her. It seemed that purposely I chose to do things that were in direct conflict with what she wanted. Now not all, but many things I did out of rebelliousness. Then before you know it I was off to college and wanting so much to be grown up. I shared some things with her but most often I chose to do what I wanted. That relationship grew further and further apart. Both of us being stubborn we never really tried to tear down the fences that were put up between us.

Then she got sick and though having spent some time with her we never had that Mother Son relationship as adults. If I could change one thing in my life it would be that I had an adult relationship with my Mom.

What am I trying to say? For those of you who still have your parents make sure that you are able to have an adult relationship with them. If you are the parent of an adult child do all you can to treat them as an adult and have that mature relationship with them. I never had that experience with my mother but I did learn from it and was able to have one with my Father. Today is a day of reflection, as we all should take time to reflect on where we are in our relationships with others. Live, learn and grow.

Conspiracy Theories

For a long time now we have heard of different conspiracy theories ranging from but not limited to clandestine government plans, elaborate murder plots, suppression of secret technology and knowledge and other supposed schemes behind certain political, cultural, and historical events.

I could be more specific but if I get too specific I am sure that my name will go on some list somewhere and I will be forever watched by some government agency that is out to get me. Yes, I joke about this but, when you see all that we do and all the information we put out there, we are being looked at. Look at all the advertisers on web sites. Search engines, blogs, social networks, dating sites and even more have paid to put out their product so you can see it. Why? They have researched and discovered the who, what, why, when and where, putting money into each of these areas. We put out information in all areas and are being tracked in one form or another. You do know your spending habits are being tracked by credit agencies and banks. Who and where you search on the internet is being tracked. It is a numbers game out there. The big push to brand yourself is all about getting your name out there. Write a blog such as this and tagging words will get you noticed.

Are you really surprised when you hear that the government is putting money into these as well? If we are so free to tell our “friends” what we do each and every minute why would the government not be as interested in gaining that information as well. We have complained about “Big Brother” looking into our private lives then we go out and give the information so freely. Then we call it a conspiracy. It may be, but then again we just give out our sleep habits, wake habits, vacation plans, shopping habits, eating times, and what have you with out even thinking about it.

An alien space ship crashed in New Mexico, Lee Harvey Oswald was used as a patsy in the assassination of Kennedy, Government scientists are controlling the weather and other “natural” disasters, wars are being started to control the economies of nations and the world. Are they for real or not? My thoughts on it are, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I will not put my head in the sand but I am not going to obsess about it either. I have to watch what information I put out there and live my life where I am. If there are conspiracies going on out there what can I do about it? I will not live my life in fear or run from what is happening, but do the best I can to take care of myself and those I care for. Stay informed to the best that we can but do not let theories dictate the life that we live.

Being right or wrong.

The other day while watching a movie a friend and I had a discussion about one of the characters in the movie. I had stated, “He’s the guy that is on Entourage, you know, Ari” My friend replied that it wasn’t the same person. We spent a little time discussing this but nothing came of it. I felt that I had the guy correct, and my friend felt differently, but it was not worth any more discussion. We continued to watch the movie, having a great time and a great day.

To continue this little story though I need to tell you what I did and usually do when confronted with something that can be verified online. I checked it out and found out that I was wrrrrrrrrrrr, I was wrrrrrrrrro, I had made a mistake. So here is what I did. I sent a text to my friend discussing the matter. Here is what was said;

ME: Btw I had mistaken Paul Giamatti for Jeremy Piven. Giamatti was on Duplicity with Julia Roberts, Piven is Ari. I was mistaken.

Friend: But you do admit when u know u r wrong, I like that.

Friend: Yep… I knew that, but you were so stubborn

ME: LOL. I can b can’t I.

Friend: LOL

Me: Thanks for understanding me.

Why is this worth blogging about you may ask. I can think of several reasons. There are many times that you get into a discussion with someone and you differ on the outcome. One may be right and that means the other is wrong. How do you handle it? How many times has it led to an argument? Then once it is discovered that one is incorrect how important is your response to that? Often times there is an “I told you so” involved, or “you were wrong” mentioned.

Here is my take on why this is worth blogging about. First was that without saying a word we both agreed to disagree with each other and we let it be, as it was no big deal. Next was that I admitted to being mistaken and that is a difficult thing for many of us to do. Then there was a verification of my acknowledgement to being incorrect that was done in a very positive manner. Now take a look at the next line, telling me that I was “so stubborn” could have set me off, but I took it as funny because I was verified by the person previously. The thing is I know who I am and admit freely that I am pretty stubborn. I had to actually laugh out loud to the stubborn statement because this person does know me very well. I am so thankful that this person does understand me as it is so refreshing, being able to be me. Just as important, I understand the other person as well, so we could laugh at the whole thing.

You may be able to see other important issues from this and I welcome that. I am seeing how important it is to be walking in the same direction as others in all my relationships. Conflicts occur often but when you are on the same page as others, walking in the same direction it makes things run so much smoother. To know who you are, being free to express yourself, as well as others knowing who you are is so important. Just the same it is important for others to be who they are, expressing themselves freely as well. There is no need to take offense to others when we allow others and ourselves to be exactly who we are, and verifying them as well as being verified.

Saying the littlest of words can bring about the largest of impacts.

When you are going about your daily routine do you greet people? Saying Hi!! to the person walking in the store as you are entering. As you drive on the hectic roadways and enter that construction zone do you throw a wave at the person directing traffic? (Not the one finger salute either!!!) As you are sitting waiting on your server to make their way to your table how do you greet them?

I could come up with some more areas but I believe you understand where I am coming from or should I say going with this. Now, not always, but over 90 percent of the time I would say that I attempt to acknowledge others I see or come across. It may not always be a word but most of the time it is a smile. Often it involves a “Hey! How’s it goin?” or to the server it is, “I am doing really good (or great), and you?” It doesn’t take much effort to be positive or smile or just acknowledge others. But what good does it do? Often times I never know but from talking to others I know that they enjoy pleasant words, a smile or a wave. It puts a smile on my face when others do the same to me. You have seen the commercial where a person helps another in a simple way and then that person or someone who saw it passed it on to another, over and over until it came back. It really does mean something to some people. Yes, there is the grumpy person who is never going to be happy or acknowledge a good deed but I feel it is important to show friendliness to all people. One day it may sink in or be remembered, even by that grumpy person.

I do not always do this but there was one day that I was sitting at my computer, on Facebook, and as I was looking at my list of friends online, I decided to attempt a chat with someone that was a friend, but whom I really did not know. What is the worst that could happen? No response right, so no biggie. So here I go, HEY!!! I waited for a second, closed the chat window and went on to checking things out. It wasn't long and I got a response back. We chatted for a while, figuring out the who, what, when, and where. Over time I have been advised that the time chatting has been a real help to the person. I have done this with both sexes and have really gotten into some interesting conversations. By initiating a conversation I have been able to help others through difficult times or say something that they needed to hear or was even able to hear from them something that I was in need of.

I have come to realize the importance of saying Hey, flashing a smile or even that quick wave of acknowledgement. It may just be what that other person receiving the acknowledgement needed. The older I get I am seeing that there are things I have to offer to others. Being willing to step out there and be available is all that any of us can do. Forcing yourself or your opinions on others is not an option, but to offer what you have to others in the most simple of ways can mean more than you realize.

Being in the battle of life.

Where do you go when life seems to hit you hard and you have nowhere to go? OK for all you spiritual people, I know, I know, you go to God. But I mean in reality what do you do? Some go to their pastor, some to a good friend, others an advisor or counselor, others to family, and then there are those that deal with it on their own. I am not going to say that one or the other is the best because I feel that in each one of us there is a safe place that we can go. Throughout our life we have searched and found that one place we can go or at least I hope that we have.

I have found several different places that are fairly safe to go to. Yes, God is one of them, but sometimes when I need an answer that I am not hearing from God I seek it from other individuals or groups. Being that I do attend church I find answers from men who you want to believe, should be in constant contact with God. They are there for that weekly or semi-weekly feeding, pastors and Sunday school instructors. But because I have been burned by “spiritual” people I do not fully trust in that. I attend several groups that give me insight in many areas, one being a Bible study and the other being a Journey Group of singles. You would think that those are fairly good places also, but are they? In the places I mentioned you tend to find posers, people that are pretending to be something that they are not, to show spirituality. I have found that though these are decent places sometimes you just can not be open and honest because in doing so you show weaknesses. The last thing that a poser wants to do is show weakness, because then they are not what they are showing themselves to be. So you get the typical church answer. It is always easy to present the church answer because you can not go wrong with it. You mention a verse or what some Biblical great has said concerning it and therefore, Amen Brother!!! I have walked away from those feeling so empty and even further lost because I did not get the help I needed. I failed to mention support groups, you know, the ones where you are held accountable. Those that tell you that you failed by doing this or by going in that direction, giving you the feeling that you are an even bigger failure. That doesn’t work either.

What am I getting at then? Myself, I need a group that is not afraid to show themselves for whom they are. The expression we use is to get naked. To expose yourself so all can see that you have nothing to hide. When you are totally open and honest then you are free to be there for someone. Admitting that in the past I have failed but also that I have successes to lean on. All of us have our failures and successes and we take this and combine it with our knowledge, then we are able to help others. Banding together with others that have fought similar battles is where I want to be when it comes to confronting life’s battles. Battles do come with fights and not all of these fights are won, but to go into the fight with others that are willing to stand with me is how I want to go. Knowing that the person next to me is going to fight as hard as I am gives me the courage and strength to stand and fight even harder. This gives me the chance to win some of those battles life throws at me.